drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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