low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
