I just pynch a tree in the face
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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