So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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