dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
