I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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