I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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