Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
