Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
