hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
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