I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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