hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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