i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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