Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
