A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
