Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
