i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
