I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You smell like stripper and shame
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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