next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
