My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
