Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
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I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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