Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
