lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
