i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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