It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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