It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
