i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
