Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
