I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
