Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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