Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
