I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
