We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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