So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
