OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
