sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
