tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He passed out mid-signature
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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