I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
