I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i believe in u and ur pee
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
