he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
