We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
