Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
