I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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