Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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