you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
