I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
