Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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