I intend to get homeless drunk
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
