she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
