If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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