Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
