Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
