hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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