it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
