Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
