So drunk, too bad you don't want this
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
