proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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