The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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