Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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