I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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