Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
