FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
